This year, our summer weather has extended well beyond its normal time. The roses in the garden are blooming for a third time and with October here, pumpkin spice flavoring is everywhere. It’s time to celebrate the harvest and get ready for Thanksgiving. As you gather with family and friends, it’s a perfect time to start the longevity planning conversation with older family members, and then actively listen to what they have to say.

Multiple generations often participate at the Thanksgiving table, so it’s a perfect time to chat with older members about how they are doing, what is happening in their lives, and thinking about planning ahead. Holiday gatherings are a good time to take stock and determine if older family members are having some health or lifestyle issues that require attention. Often adult children will say they don’t know where to start the conversation, and that Mom or Dad or Uncle Harry are resistant to talking about planning ahead. Here’s an opener to try.

Go-Go, Slow-Go or No-Go Life Stages

We spend a lot of time planning for life stages such as education and careers, deciding whether to get married, and to have children or not, where to live, etc. But how often do we plan and prepare for the various stages of retirement? If you are nearing retirement, you could use yourself as the example. And if you decide to stop working full-time at 65 years of age, you could well live another 30 or 35 years! Mike Drak, who writes about longevity lifestyles, describes three general stages of planning for retirement. They can be very useful in starting a longevity planning conversation.

The Go-Go years, in early retirement, when people plan to travel and spend some of their hard-earned resources enjoying themselves. For example, Mom and Dad are in this stage now planning a cross-Canada trip to visit various friends and relatives from coast to coast.

The Slow-Go years, when a person’s health may limit their ability to travel and they choose to stay closer to home and their support community. For example, an Aunt in her early 80s has to have a knee replacement this year. Her health is otherwise fine so she is taking a 6-month break to address her knee, and then she plans to return to her Go-Go lifestyle with her group of friends.

The No-Go years, when health issues, lack of mobility, or cognitive decline limit a person’s activities and create more dependencies on family members or others. Eventually, aging will bring us to this stage where we become more dependent on others.

Talking about living a long life in stages might be a way to open up the conversation. What are your plans for the Go-Go years? Do you have a plan to keep up with the grandchildren, go canoeing and camping with them? What is your lifestyle going to be like and what is your purpose? As one client wisely told me, “Every one of us needs a purpose to get up in the morning.”

When you start the conversation, listen for the stage they are in. How do you perceive them versus how do they perceive themselves? Are there signs that they might need help? Perhaps mobility issues are starting to come up and the conversation turns to falling unexpectedly. Or perhaps, getting groceries and making meals are more burdensome.

Active Listening

Active listening is a skill that families sometimes seem to have in short supply. Many of us have a well-known book on our bookshelves, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. The fifth habit is “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”. This concept emphasizes the importance of active listening with an open mind. In practical terms, what this means is to pay attention, don’t interrupt, and try to understand the person’s words, perspectives, and feelings, before you offer your own response or point of view. Seeking to truly understand a person’s viewpoint with active listening is critical to building a foundation for effective communication and to build trust. Another quote from Covey sums it up, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

Please Pass the Cranberry Sauce and Let’s Chat

As you gather at your Thanksgiving table next weekend, hopefully you can pass the cranberry sauce and be open to a chat. These insights may provide you with different ways to approach your older friends and family to engage in conversations about their longevity planning. We all want the best for our loved ones, so give them the opportunity and the dignity to engage in conversations about their own future before a health or lifestyle crisis hits.

Secret family recipe tip for homemade cranberry sauce: add a handful of small orange pieces to your sauce as it cooks. Turn the heat off when finished and add a good splash of Cointreau.